*NSFW*
Just a warning: I’ve always said I am Half Sailor; apparently the other half is Dirty Trucker.

As you may or may not know, Friday I had surgery. Nothing major… well, ok it was semi major.  I had a uterine ablation. But it was out patient and really, the stupid biopsy I had a week before hurt more.

Anyway. Surgery. So Brian came down Thursday evening and took me Friday. I’ve been putting this off for almost two years… maybe longer? Mainly because anxiety is a bitch and there’s a lot of anxiety involved with surgery.  We putzed around at All School’s Day and then I took a Xanax and we went in.

Things are going ok. They drew blood and left a bruise, normal. Then the gal came in to give me my IV. I hate IVs. Hate. With the fire of 1,000 suns, hate.  She started with the back of my right hand. Ok, now, I’m not a nurse, or a paramedic, or even a CNA, but for chrissake, there are so many bones and tendons and tender bits in the back of my freaking hand… and CAN YOU EVEN SEE THE VEIN?! ..  no. No you can’t. She kept shaking my arm and telling me to relax.

Lady. Listen to me. I’m a fairly easy going person. You’re fishing around in the back of my hand with a garden hose. I. CAN’T. RELAX. Eventually, she blew out the vein or whatever it is they do when they admit defeat and she moved to my left forearm.  Got it in. Thank you.  Now, GTFO.
Then the surgeon came in, then the anesthesiologist (this is important, he makes a guest appearance Post Op.)  Brian gave me a kiss and I was off to surgery.

They wheeled me in and got me situated … the anesthesiologist (I think his name was Craig or something) got me situated and said he was going to start putting me to sleep. I looked up at him and said “It’s going to be ok?” to which he replied, “Oh, you’re fine.” And I said “No. You have to tell me…” (it’s this little game I play when things are bad. I need to hear the words “You’re going to be ok.” So I’ll tell Brian, “Tell me it’s ok.”)  Craig smiled at me and said “You’re going to be ok.” And I was out.

That was the last time anyone heard from Stephanie for awhile.

Upon waking, The Trucker was there.
Here’s where it gets funny, but… again, there’s a reason she’s called Stephanie The Trucker, gentle reader, so … read at your own risk.

The nurse woke me up.
Nurse “You’re all done Stephanie, we’re going to head back to your room.”
Me: “Do I get pain meds?”
Nurse: “Sure, do you need them?”
Trucker Me: “I want them. I have fucking amazing insurance! Hey, did you see that anesthesiologist? He’s fucking hot.”
Nurse: Chuckles a little uncomfortably.. keeps wheeling me to my room.

Immediately upon my arrival, I started asking for “Brian My Fiancée” and I vaguely remember describing him physically to her “He has a quirly moustache and he’s really cute.”
Brian arrived, quirly moustache and all, and the nurse brought me some peanut butter ritz crackers.
Me: “That other nurse said I could have pudding. Where’s my pudding?”
Nurse: “Would you like to have pudding too?”
Trucker Me: “Fuck yeah, I would!”
Brian: “What did you say?”
Trucker Me: “I said ‘FUCK YEAH I want pudding!”
Then the real me made a brief appearance….  Me: “Oh shit! I said bad words! So sorry!!”
To which the nurse replied “Oh, it’s not the first time….. “ and flat out refused to say what else I had said. Who knows, there may have been more….
I was just so excited for pudding. I mean…. It’s pure carbs. I don’t get to eat that stuff on a regular basis.. and I was psyched. Bring me the goddamn pudding.

And then Brian gave me my phone back.

Yanno how you shouldn’t text when you’re drunk? Yeah, same applies to pain meds. Only, it wasn’t texting… I got into my SnapChat.

It wasn’t until the next day.  THE NEXT DAY … that I realized and saw what I’d posted to my story and sent to my sweet innocent babies.  First was a shot of me that said “Done. Apparently my first word in the operating room upon waking was the F word. Oops.” All things taken into consideration, good punctuation, no spelling errors, complete sentences. Thankfully, Trucker Steph has at least a little bit of an education.

Then… my favorite.Screenshot_2017-05-15-08-36-59
Really. What more needs to be said?

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