I know it’s not a true oxymoron, but hang with me here…. it gets tragically funny. (see what I did there?) (Mrs. Thomason would be proud.)

Yesterday was a long day. Just…. stupid long. I had a pointless Dr visit (not my regular Dr) regarding this kidney/back pain I’ve been having, and his advice to me was to ‘ignore it as best as you can and it will probably go away.’ …   then I had an appointment with my therapist.. which is always good, but yanno… emotions and all that jazz….


… so the persistent pain in my back coupled with the examining of emotions meant…I followed my heart and Silas and I ordered Wendy’s for supper. Total comfort food.

Now… here’s the thing. I’ve been working out regularly and for the last month or so, have been sticking to this diet that my personal trainer gave to me. Lots of veggies and protein, no mayo, butter, cheese, processed food.. etc. I’m eating like a freaking caveman body builder. And it’s paying off. Here’s the other thing..  I’m getting older. I know that this is the only body I have and I want to take care of it. I figure that since I mainly live off of coffee, bourbon and cigarettes… maybe … just maybe… I should pay attention to what food goes into my body, and, yes, hit the gym regularly. It’s all about balance.

Fast forward to this morning.

The Girl and I woke up at 5 am to hit the gym. Getting ready, I noted to her that my tummy was uber cranky and ‘omg, look how bloated I am… ugh.’… and we got dressed. Both of us in our shorty shorts and runners, and we were ready to go. Right about then, a message popped into my inbox from Tina “No gym in the morning!”  (our trainer owns his own place and occasionally, for whatever reason, he can’t make it.) OK, not a big deal… but here we are, dressed for a workout at 5:30 am and… I’m not crawling back into bed with my tennis shoes on. Besides, the dogs are awake now anyway. We’re up.

Shasta – Hey! Wanna just go for a power walk? I mean… we’re up…

Me – My dear, that may simply be the best idea ever! Let’s go!


**SPOILER ALERT**   It was NOT the best idea ever.

We walked, and chatted, and got about a mile under our belts when….

Me – oh….  oh…. my stomach…..

Shasta- Y’ok?

Me- Um. No.

My stomach was cramping…. I know you know what I’m talking about….  that hot-flashy-doubled-over-oh-my-god-get-to-the-bathroom-RIGHT-NOW kind of cramping….

and we’re 10-12 blocks from home.

PS. That’s where my bathroom is. Weird, I know. But I keep a couple of them at home. Just in case.

Shasta- Do I need to call one of the Twidgets to come get us?

Me- No… let’s just get home. Quickly.

So we started home. Folks…. I didn’t think I was gonna make it.

Me- Oh god. How much further?!

Shasta- only like four blocks!

Me- dies


Me- I AM!!!

Have you ever tried to walk for 6 blocks as fast as you can while clenching your butt cheeks? And every other muscle in your entire core?

I’m stiff-legged-clenching-my-core walking home going as fast as I can, while The Girl is bopping along beside me screaming encouragement at me and simultaneously dialing The Twidgets trying to wake one of them up to come get us. I would have laughed at the situation if I wasn’t so afraid that my guts were gonna come spilling out of me like hot lava.

#sorrynotsorry #thiswasmymorning #glamourgirl

It was awful. But I made it. I was afraid I was going to end up like an extra on the set of Bridesmaids..


By the way, this is, in my humble opinion, the funniest movie scene ever filmed. *It’s funny because IT CAN REALLY HAPPEN*

No more fast food for this girl. For. Real. I’m too old for this…well… shit.







One thought on “Today’s Oxymoron: Bathroom Humor

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